Random Thoughts from Hell…I would like to thank…

I have been in furnace hell all week, so I should have enjoyed this new version of hell tonight…But I didn’t.

To start off, our furnace didn’t work when we tried it on Saturday. Sunday we had a family friend who is a hvac techie have a look-see.

The VERY abbreviated version of it is that we need a new furnace and I now know more about furnaces and furnace parts and how they work than I ever knew before. Friday will be day 6 of the saga. We still have no heat and I fear that I may never give up my ‘Nanook of the North’ hat. My Cubs hat is starting to get jealous.

I keep chanting the following mantra:

“He’s saving us thousands of dollars we don’t have.”
“He’s saving us thousands of dollars we don’t have.”
“He’s saving us thousands of dollars we don’t have.”

My new version of hell tonight was High School Sports Awards Night. No, it’s not a sequel to “High School Musical 3”. (Maybe I should thank my lucky stars for that.) But it was pretty painful.

Never having been involved in sports when we were students, Anastasia and I were not prepared for the snoozefest. (Note to self: Next time…ipod tucked discretely in my jacket.)

Anastasia and I entertained ourselves by making commentary to each other to stifle the shear and utter boredom.

It started out with some head sports coach mucky muck making a very long speech thanking….well everyone. I whispered over to Anastasia that next he was going to thank “The Academy”. He started out thanking the school board, the various whose-its and whats-its teachers, coaches, administration…and yes….the janitors. He even thanked us parents.

Then the next blow-hard steps up to the podium and what does he do? He makes virtually the same “thank you” speech. I whispered over to Anastasia “why can’t he say ‘ditto, thanks’, you know, in the spirit of moving things along?” That’s when Anastasia noticed all of the coach mucky mucks and blow-hards were all bald. We decided that must be a job requirement.

Finally! They said they were going to start calling student names. We both looked at each other and simultaneously prayed that they announce the teams alphabetically, because if we had to sit through the track and tennis list first we’d surely be there forever. We were waiting for golf. They began with Boys cross country, then Girls, then Boys golf, then hallelujah! Girls golf. Then they proceeded to only name the girls who went to state, which were only Varsity, not JV. So we’re thinking, why are we even here?

Then they awarded trophies and plaques to the star players and MVP’s of each Boys and Girls sport. One plaque for MVP was co-won by two girls. Neither would release their death-grip on that plaque. I told Anastasia that maybe they will share the plaque...one year Suzie will get it, then the next year Brittany, but not until you pry it out of her cold dead fingers! Anastasia noted how one sporty spice girl was stroking/caressing the gold ribbon that was attached to her “prized” blue trophy.

After all this pomp and ceremony of awarding the trophies and plaques to the students, each “winner” ceremoniously came back up to the podium and announced that they were giving their trophy or plaque back to the school to be put in the numerous display cases outside the gyms. The sporty spice girl with the gold ribbon and blue trophy lingered longingly as she placed her “prize” back on the table. We almost thought she wasn't going to give it up.

At this point we’re thinking it’s over now, right?

Wrong! Remember, this is High School Sports Award Night HELL!

Now some third, bald mucky muck starts announcing that the various teams will meet with their parents in specific rooms and calls off each team and the room number.

Arghhhh!

Now High School Sports Award Night Hell Part 2.

The Girls Golf coach makes yet another thank you speech. (What’s wrong with “ditto, thanks”?) Then he calls each JV player to the podium and basically calls out their faults at the beginning of the season and how they progressed. For some girls he made a point of mentioning continuing with the team next year, others, he avoided it.

Then he announces that the team MVP made a slide show.

Yes, a slide show. What fun!

Now this would have been nice, had it included ALL of the team. It would have been nice seeing my daughter goofin on the bus with the team and action shots of each girl on the various golf courses. However, little Miss MVP only included the Varsity squad.

Then the coach began calling the Varsity players one by one to the podium.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

Anastasia whispers to my son, she exits. Then he whispers to me, then he exits. Then I motion to my daughter at the front of the room and we both exit. (Very nicely choreographed!)

This hell is put on hold until Winter Golf begins.

Back to furnace hell.