Anniversary of a death

My parents passed away when I was in my twenties. Mom in 1984, Dad in 1990. Now I know their dates of death, but every year the anniversary of their deaths goes one of 3 ways.

     1.) On the day of their death I remember. That day unfolds in my mind from beginning to end. I recall the the smallest detail, then I begin to recall the immediate aftermath...the notification of family and friends, funeral parlor arrangements, the day of the funeral. It’s been a long 34 years since my Mom passed away. A lot has happened, marriages, births, a divorce, mental health issues, and medical issues. I’m embarrassed to say very few of the anniversary’s I recall on the actual anniversary date. 

     2.) A few days before the anniversary date I am in a profound...funk. I’m very depressed. I definitely feel a change in “the force”. Before long I remember and go through the entire process, just as in #1.

     3.) A few days after the anniversary date I will have the same telltale feelings. Just as with #2, I then remember and go through the entire process, just as in #1.

Today was #3 for the anniversary date of my Dad’s death. The anniversary is St Nicholas Day, December 6th. I have always celebrated St Nicholas Day with my children, hanging their stockings the night of the 5th before they go to bed. They are young adults now, but we still celebrate it as one of our holiday traditions. This year we postponed until tonight. They hung their stockings before going to bed Saturday night. It’s not the first time. The funk started the end of November, the realization hit me today. As soon as it came to me I said it out loud. My wife was a bit shocked and asked why I didn’t say anything sooner. It was because I had just realized it. I could feel the...weirdness in the air, but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. She was surprised, shocked even, that I hadn’t recalled it the day of. My Dad passed away 28 years ago. Between both my parents that’s a lot of anniversarys. Her Mom passed, four or five years ago and she is still grieving like it was yesterday. (Oh, don’t open up that can of worms Lola, everyone grieves differently.)

My point is, don’t judge me because I don’t always remember the anniversary of their deaths on THE day. It’s been a lot of years and I’ve had a lot of life happen in between. Most would be surprised at all I have gone through, but that’s besides the point. Those anniversarys...I do not celebrate...I grieve them. Why else would I be so depressed and out of sorts approaching or after the dates? 

I’ve come to realize that #2 and #3 are my coping mechanisms, my process of grieving. It isn’t as if I am oblivious to the dates, I’ve NEVER not remembered.

If anyone out in the interwebs is reading, if you wouldn’t mind, explain how you handle/process the anniversary of a death.

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