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Monday, January 28, 2019

Rough time

Things have gotten worse in terms of my daughter’s behavior. It’s getting to the point that she causes big disruptions when she is on a home visit. That’s an understatement. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything I’ve done in the past that has worked, but she’s just not cooperating. Because of all the things going on with the nasty housemate I’m very hesitant to make her stay at the group home on the weekends. If this new person does move in I think the environment will change for the better. I’m praying that is the case. 

She’s just out of control and it makes me wonder how she holds it together at work. She’s constantly refusing, arguing, fighting, yelling at all of us at home. The yelling thing is a two way street, and I’ve talked to my spouse and my son about trying to shut it down rather than things turning into a yelling match, but it’s not working. I really try to maintain my composure and not give in to the cycle of arguing and yelling. I do this by letting my daughter know in advance what is expected of her and what she can expect in terms of her work transportation, activities, chores (minimal), and meals. There are no surprises. She was told Saturday night that snow was in the forecast and she needed to get up at 6:30am and shovel because of her work start time and travel time. She did not get up on time, was continually refusing to go out to shovel, and then was continually refusing to go to work. She was so loud she woke her brother who got up, dressed, and went out to shovel. (Good man!) She never went out to shovel. I lost it and went out and grabbed a shovel. (I have no business doing that, and I spent the rest of the day in bed with ice and on muscle relaxers. I literally pushed the shovel on the porch for less than 2 minutes, got in the car and sat in it while it warmed up.) My spouse and I thought my going outside and threatening to shovel (a bluff) would get her to turn it around and get out and shovel. Nope. On the way to work there were conversations of our expectations for after her shift. She was all agreeable and apologetic. What happened when she got home? More of the same. Before bed Sunday there were conversations of expectations for Monday morning. The same as Sunday. I’m sure the results will be the same, however, I will not even look at a shovel.

Between my health stuff, my spouses knee issues,  finances, things going on with my daughter I’m turning into a hot mess. I’m sleeping even less and my IBS is flaring up. I’m so tired of rehashing everything with my daughter and going over expectations in advance and just having it all go to hell. I keep reminding myself what I tell my kids and my spouse...

Tomorrow is a fresh start. 
An opportunity to get back on track.

I’m talking about my kids here. For them and their illnesses you can’t pile on blame, keep track of the bad behavior, and hold things against them. It’s a slippery slope. When you do that you are at risk of a breakdown. Especially when they are really having a hard time. Some of the time they know they forked up. Others, they are struggling so much they don’t know. They do have to know that tomorrow is a fresh start, a chance to get back on the right track. Or as my Dad used to say “straighten up and fly right”. I’ve been using his line a lot lately. 

You may be thinking, Lola, they are manipulating you and taking advantage of you. That’s not the case. I’ve dealt with her illnesses since 2007, and her brother’s since 2011. I’ve come to recognize the patterns. My daughter is not in a good pattern right now. I think she needs another medication adjustment.

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Money talks

My daughter may be getting a new housemate on the 2nd floor. Hopefully this will deflect the nasty housemate’s attention away from my daughter.

They had the meeting with my daughter, the nasty housemate and their counselors. It was a joke. The chore schedule was rearranged. Which basically means the nasty housemate won’t do those new chores. And the nasty housemate was told when it’s her night to cook she has to cook my daughter’s meal and it has to be compliant with her special diet. My daughter cooks for her all the time, sometimes making 2 different meals, so why can’t she? 

Sooo, I found out why there are never consequences for the nasty housemate and why she is never written up. It all boils down to $$$$$. This is the last place she can go to before having to be institutionalized. She has been to every group home in the area and been kicked out for abusive and violent behavior. It’s unfortunate that institutionalization is the only option left for her, but let’s remember that there are 6 or 7 other women in the group home whose safety and welfare have to be taken into consideration.

And the money is...$20,000 per MONTH that the group home gets from the state for housing the nasty housemate. That is in addition to the money they get from Social Security for the nasty housemate. The group home gets much, much, much less per housemate for the rest of the ladies because their conditions and behavior are not anywhere near as severe. Some of that money is supposed to be spent on overnight staff for the second floor to insure the safety of everyone. Overnight staff on the 2nd floor is extremely rare, and the times there have been staff they were untrained and were found to be sleeping on shift which is not permitted.

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