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Wednesday, August 22, 2018


I was able to medicate adequately because my spouse drove and I used lavender essential oils. We got there early, much better. I have to say, they have the best staff there. The techs that now wheel me to and from (my legs felt like jelly after the first treatment) follow my sense of humor and try to crack me up. 

Much better, begin counting backwards as the mask is clamped down, then slide into machine for the scan (to insure everything is aligned properly), then slide out for it to be reviewed. Slide back in for treatment. I didn’t ask how long (last time was 6.5 minutes). Shortly after treatment begins my nose starts to itch, like crazy (stop laughing, you know you are, I laugh thinking about it). I interrupt my count thinking about the itch and tell myself to stop and get back to counting. Dang, the itch is spreading to the top of my left cheek. Again, COUNT! Next thing I know One of the techs is walking towards me telling me “we” are done for today. The sound of the clamps being opened, raise my head and gasp for air. The techs asked how it went, I showed them the oval foam I hold onto while in the machine. It’s not scrunched up from white knuckling. ‘Ah, no white knuckling today, good job!”

After treatment my spouse drops me at Walmart to get my special steroid that I was supposed to take an hour before treatment. Couldn’t get there before. Sat waiting for my son to get me a motorized cart. I am very unsteady on my feet, very tired. Phone rings, it’s my sister, I decline. I broke up the conversation quickly, spouse was in the car, in pain, and son was approaching.

We got home, ate late lunch after I figured out what didn’t make me thinkšŸ¤¢. My phone rings. Guess who? I decline again. I’m trying to eat and I’m exhausted. I go upstairs and fall asleep for hours. Somewhere in that time, my phone rings, wakes me, I decline again. (Really, no one really wants to hear me talk after being dogged all afternoon and getting woken up.) So now the fam is asking about dinner, I reply and tell my spouse about the calls. She’s exasperated too because she has had to handle her many times before because of this behavior. Anastasia before her also had to put her in her place.

Lola’s Diner cc.  2008-2018

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

The first

Had my first radiation treatment today. Dr says it went well. I met with him about 15 minutes after the treatment. He starts asking questions “do you have a headache, feel nauseous, did you vomit, do you feel tired?” Whoa! Give me some time, I’m sure I’ll be able to say yes to more than one of those. Tired? Yes. I had to literally chase down my daughter’s Pace van because she slow poked around this morning getting ready. Yes, I was the crazy lady in the gray suv chasing a Pace bus and honking my car horn. After some 3 blocks, it finally pulls over, my daughter runs to get on and off we go to the rest of our day.

I have a terrible headache. I can’t figure out if I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, or have the flu. Every single part of my body hurts. 

I’m trying to do comedy therapy. Watch as many stand up comic shows on Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime Video as I can. I need to get out of this funk cuz it’s so not good. I’m finding that I’m getting 3/4 through a show and realize I’ve seen this before. Sometimes right before I’m watching it now. Yes, for some $&@?! reason Netflix will repeat the show you just watched by making you think if you hit play after one, that a new show, same comedian is on. In some cases it is a different comedy special. Others, nope, same as what you just watched. Why? If I watch a movie or tv show it will ask you to press play for the movie or tv show that is next in line in the que. 

I couldn’t take my usual pre tube (CT scan or MRI, all the same to someone who is claustrophobic) medication because I had to drive myself. While Lavender Oil can help to ease a panic attack, it doesn’t work solo. Spouse had PT and over did it and took a pain pill. Spouse didn’t want to leave the house. Like I should go alone? It was a very quiet ride to the cancer center. Not on my list of good medical experiences. Face mask locked and loaded, slide in for a CT scan. Then wait, 10 minutes-?, then they slide me back in and treatment commences. The sound is not like an MRI which to me is loud metal clanging. It sounds like an old fashioned popcorn popper, the metal kind. I’m doing my breathing and counting back from 100. If I concentrate on counting it distracts me from the fact that my head is clamped onto the table and I’m being slid into the tube. I begin to feel like my entire body is shaking. Crap, I’m not supposed to move. No worries, my head won’t even move if I sneeze, or so I’ve been told, I don’t want to find out firsthand. I this what a seizure is? No, keep counting. I try to ignore it, but my heart is beating faster and faster. I feel like the mask is suffocating me, even though I tell myself... logically the mask is full of holes and that can’t happen. My eyes are closed and I start to notice blue and purple lights shooting across my eyes. No one warned me about this, so now I’m concerned about that. Should I have been given something to cover my eyes to protect them from, oh...I don’t know...these laser beams shooting across my eyes? Finally the announcement, they are coming to release me from my head shackles. I exhale and gasp for air when they remove the mask. I ask about the lights and the 2 techs chortle, trying not to laugh hysterically...I’m guessing. One says ‘oh some people think they see blue or purple lights shooting across their head. It’s just a red light that goes round and round just inside the tube.’ You all know I’m claustrophobic and have panic attacks...this wasn’t something I should know?

I messengered our couple friends, said could I get a ride this day, this time, for treatment or test or whatever it is. The response is “of course, no problem, what time should we pick you up?” After each ride we thank them, we get hugs, and are told “any time you need a ride, you let us know, we’re happy to help.” 

Can I say family sucks? After I got home I had to messenger my sister, let her know how it went. Since my sister is all sunshine, hearts and flowers and has no clue what’s happening, I google and send photos. The first photo was the same type of custom mask I had made. Her response? “Creepy.” Then I send a photo of a person, head clamped on the table, about to go into the CT Scan/treatment machine. Her response? “Creepy.” Not an empathetic cell in her body. She doesn’t even try to fake it. Honestly, I don’t know how she could possibly be my sister with the Mom I had. My Mom, the most compassionate, empathetic person I will probably ever meet. I try to emulate her whenever I can. I could never come close to being as compassionate and empathetic as she was, but I can try.

Lola’s Diner  c2008-2018
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