The end...new beginnings

Radiation treatments are finished. My anxiety level is decreasing. Very thankful.

We are constantly running to Walmart to pick up our prescriptions. There is a Goodwill in the same strip. I usually take my son as co-pilot. We usually pick up a few pieces of Corning Ware, and sometimes luck into finding bar ware that matches my glasses from Crate & Barrel. It’s amazing how many of these pieces my kids have broken over the years. Why not save quite a bit and replace them at Goodwill? While we’re there I spy an small blonde coffee table, probably MCM. It was under $10 and in very good shape. I was just drawn to it and went back a few times before I checked out, without it. I got home and I was still thinking about it. It was like the episode of Twilight Zone “About the Fever”, where the gambler is being chased by a slot machine that keeps calling to him by name, Franklin, over and over. Ok, not exactly, I just wanted to show off my knowledge of Twilight Zone minutiae. So I’m regretting not getting it. Thinking I could upcyle it and flip it. (Yes...I watch way too many of those shows and belong to way too many Facebook groups.) 

My daughter calls after dinner as she usually does. She is wound up, fast talking, complaining about something, as usual. She’s been wanting to get a mini fridge for her room with a lock because housemates are stealing food she buys with her job money. One is  eating my daughter’s peanut butter out of her jar with their fingers. Blech! She works too late to make dinner on the nights she is assigned. They’ve eaten hours before she gets home. So her team lead is making getting the fridge conditional on her doing her assigned meal nights and chores (on days she is assigned when she is on a home visit.) She is making getting the fridge conditional on things that are not doable. Girl went all the way to the top! She called the Director (that’s my move!) She explained the situation and the Director came up with a different solution. My daughter was offered the opportunity to move out into the community into a 1 bedroom apartment in a building owned by the same service agency that runs the group home she lives in. It’s a 20 unit, single floor, fairly new building. (My spouse and I went for a drive by between medical appointments.) The apartment is unfurnished, but comes with a stove and fridge. She will likely get to take her bedroom set from the group home since it was purchased using my daughter’s SS or state funds, but other than that she’s got to get everything else she needs. 

Today we had to drop off prescriptions after an appointment, so my co-pilot and I stopped by Goodwill...and the coffee table was still there! I tore that tag off right away! We also got her a kitschy salt and pepper set that we also saw yesterday. So I’ve been making a list, seeing what things around my house I can contribute. So far, my 1st Keurig (still works, I wanted the 2.0 with the Karafe), a hand mixer (who needs one when you have a Kitchen Aid Mixer?), and some other odds and ends. 

My daughter called me today, said she had already called the Director to ask about doing lunch next week. Lol! To be fair, it was discussed yesterday that they go out to lunch some time, I’m sure it wasn’t expected to be that soon.

I have to say, I am so proud of my daughter. I remember the days when she was younger that I asked her to go with her brother and find a sales clerk and ask them what she needed to know. Teach her to ask for herself. It started out badly with her in tears, but after a few times she got the confidence to ask. When she first moved into the group home she would call me with problems that came up and want me to handle them for her. In the beginning I did because living in a group home was a new experience and at times she was quite fragile. Then I began telling her what I did, how to handle the conversations. And now she is handling these things for herself! Next week is her 1 year anniversary at her job. She’s really rockin it! If someone told me 5 years ago that my daughter would be living at a group home, got a job, celebrating her 1 year anniversary, and moving into the community into an apartment I probably would have broken down in tears or punched them in the face for saying things that clearly were not even dreamed of 5 years ago. Life’s been hard, but it’s been good too.

Lola’s Diner c2008-2018

Third, fourth and cat musings

Fell asleep during the third treatment, was awake for the entire fourth treatment. Was just approaching freak out mode when the door opened and the tech walked in as the machine slid me out. I forgot the lavender oil. Next treatment is Wednesday, can’t forget it again. 

Cat musing #1-Maddux is driving us up a tree with his daily whining after our lunch time. We’ve gotten him into the habit of eating a small can of grain-free wet food. So it is our own fault, but it’s soooo obnoxious. He will stand in front of you “meeeeeow, meeeeeow” over and over. First he tries me, then my spouse, then my son who will not play. “You’re asking the wrong dude, dude.” Lol!

Cat musing #2-Irish is being clingy weird. She’s normally very aloof, if she wants to be scratched she’ll come by, but when she’s had enough...off she goes. My spouse has had to sleep on the Lazy Boy recliner sofa because she can’t do stairs. (She’s having an awfully painful recovery with this 2nd leg. She should be in outpatient PT, but she’s still on home visits and the therapist is only having her do stretching exercises. So she is quite far behind where she should be and she’s in a lot of pain. I do have some super cranky times. Times when the back pain is bad and so is the headache. It’s usually when it’s meal prep time and I’m getting no help.) So she’s downstairs and I’m upstairs alone. But not really. Most every night Irish sleeps with me now. All night. She usually sleeps at the foot of the bed, but lately she had been coming up by my abdomen and pushing up against me and falls asleep. Before she goes to bed she comes around for scratching, real close and stays for a long while. If I stop scratching, she smacks me with one paw, then the other. She does that a few rounds, if I don’t scratch, then she head butts me. She’s also done the submissive lie on her back and wants me to scratch her belly (whose cat is this? It’s not Irish). If I don’t comply or stop she uses both paws to grab my hand and pull it to her belly. It’s just been a lot of out of character behavior. I know they say pets can sense when you’re not feeling well, but this behavior is overboard. Even my cuddly Maddux doesn’t hang out this long. 

Cat musing #3 Bubba-She’s a freakin weirdo. She comes in, jumps on the bed, walks right up to my face and says a very high pitched “mehhhh”. And repeats it several times. She doesn’t want her head scratched, I’ve tried that. It’s like she’s saying “Look at...ME! Look...at...ME. The Queen is here, bow down to the queen.” Sometimes she’ll walk down to my feet and head butt them wanting to use them as a scratching post, but most of the time it’s just “mehhhh”.

Lola’s Diner c 2008-2018

Second

I was able to medicate adequately because my spouse drove and I used lavender essential oils. We got there early, much better. I have to say, they have the best staff there. The techs that now wheel me to and from (my legs felt like jelly after the first treatment) follow my sense of humor and try to crack me up. 

Much better, begin counting backwards as the mask is clamped down, then slide into machine for the scan (to insure everything is aligned properly), then slide out for it to be reviewed. Slide back in for treatment. I didn’t ask how long (last time was 6.5 minutes). Shortly after treatment begins my nose starts to itch, like crazy (stop laughing, you know you are, I laugh thinking about it). I interrupt my count thinking about the itch and tell myself to stop and get back to counting. Dang, the itch is spreading to the top of my left cheek. Again, COUNT! Next thing I know One of the techs is walking towards me telling me “we” are done for today. The sound of the clamps being opened, raise my head and gasp for air. The techs asked how it went, I showed them the oval foam I hold onto while in the machine. It’s not scrunched up from white knuckling. ‘Ah, no white knuckling today, good job!”

After treatment my spouse drops me at Walmart to get my special steroid that I was supposed to take an hour before treatment. Couldn’t get there before. Sat waiting for my son to get me a motorized cart. I am very unsteady on my feet, very tired. Phone rings, it’s my sister, I decline. I broke up the conversation quickly, spouse was in the car, in pain, and son was approaching.

We got home, ate late lunch after I figured out what didn’t make me think🤢. My phone rings. Guess who? I decline again. I’m trying to eat and I’m exhausted. I go upstairs and fall asleep for hours. Somewhere in that time, my phone rings, wakes me, I decline again. (Really, no one really wants to hear me talk after being dogged all afternoon and getting woken up.) So now the fam is asking about dinner, I reply and tell my spouse about the calls. She’s exasperated too because she has had to handle her many times before because of this behavior. Anastasia before her also had to put her in her place.

Lola’s Diner cc.  2008-2018

The first

Had my first radiation treatment today. Dr says it went well. I met with him about 15 minutes after the treatment. He starts asking questions “do you have a headache, feel nauseous, did you vomit, do you feel tired?” Whoa! Give me some time, I’m sure I’ll be able to say yes to more than one of those. Tired? Yes. I had to literally chase down my daughter’s Pace van because she slow poked around this morning getting ready. Yes, I was the crazy lady in the gray suv chasing a Pace bus and honking my car horn. After some 3 blocks, it finally pulls over, my daughter runs to get on and off we go to the rest of our day.

I have a terrible headache. I can’t figure out if I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, or have the flu. Every single part of my body hurts. 

I’m trying to do comedy therapy. Watch as many stand up comic shows on Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime Video as I can. I need to get out of this funk cuz it’s so not good. I’m finding that I’m getting 3/4 through a show and realize I’ve seen this before. Sometimes right before I’m watching it now. Yes, for some $&@?! reason Netflix will repeat the show you just watched by making you think if you hit play after one, that a new show, same comedian is on. In some cases it is a different comedy special. Others, nope, same as what you just watched. Why? If I watch a movie or tv show it will ask you to press play for the movie or tv show that is next in line in the que. 

I couldn’t take my usual pre tube (CT scan or MRI, all the same to someone who is claustrophobic) medication because I had to drive myself. While Lavender Oil can help to ease a panic attack, it doesn’t work solo. Spouse had PT and over did it and took a pain pill. Spouse didn’t want to leave the house. Like I should go alone? It was a very quiet ride to the cancer center. Not on my list of good medical experiences. Face mask locked and loaded, slide in for a CT scan. Then wait, 10 minutes-?, then they slide me back in and treatment commences. The sound is not like an MRI which to me is loud metal clanging. It sounds like an old fashioned popcorn popper, the metal kind. I’m doing my breathing and counting back from 100. If I concentrate on counting it distracts me from the fact that my head is clamped onto the table and I’m being slid into the tube. I begin to feel like my entire body is shaking. Crap, I’m not supposed to move. No worries, my head won’t even move if I sneeze, or so I’ve been told, I don’t want to find out firsthand. I think...is this what a seizure is? No, keep counting. I try to ignore it, but my heart is beating faster and faster. I feel like the mask is suffocating me, even though I tell myself... logically the mask is full of holes and that can’t happen. My eyes are closed and I start to notice blue and purple lights shooting across my eyes. No one warned me about this, so now I’m concerned about that. Should I have been given something to cover my eyes to protect them from, oh...I don’t know...these laser beams shooting across my eyes? Finally the announcement, they are coming to release me from my head shackles. I exhale and gasp for air when they remove the mask. I ask about the lights and the 2 techs chortle, trying not to laugh hysterically...I’m guessing. One says ‘oh some people think they see blue or purple lights shooting across their head. It’s just a red light that goes round and round just inside the tube.’ You all know I’m claustrophobic and have panic attacks...this wasn’t something I should know?

I messengered our couple friends, said could I get a ride this day, this time, for treatment or test or whatever it is. The response is “of course, no problem, what time should we pick you up?” After each ride we thank them, we get hugs, and are told “any time you need a ride, you let us know, we’re happy to help.” 

Can I say family sucks? After I got home I had to messenger my sister, let her know how it went. Since my sister is all sunshine, hearts and flowers and has no clue what’s happening, I google and send photos. The first photo was the same type of custom mask I had made. Her response? “Creepy.” Then I send a photo of a person, head clamped on the table, about to go into the CT Scan/treatment machine. Her response? “Creepy.” Not an empathetic cell in her body. She doesn’t even try to fake it. Honestly, I don’t know how she could possibly be my sister with the Mom I had. My Mom, the most compassionate, empathetic person I will probably ever meet. I try to emulate her whenever I can. I could never come close to being as compassionate and empathetic as she was, but I can try.

Lola’s Diner  c2008-2018

Planning appointment...

Had an appointment at the C center today, they said it was a planning appointment. I thought that meant we’d huddle around the computer screen and the dr would explain his plan. NOPE. We made the mold for the mask today which was kind of cool and kind of creepy. They have me lie down on a CT table (WAIT! NO ONE SAID I WOULD BE HAVING A CT SCAN! I’m claustrophobic and need to prep with meds. I try to be cool, but I’m totally freaking out.) They take what looked like a sheet of latex (but it’s plastic or rubber because so many people are allergic) kind of shaped like a head and face (that’s the creepy part) and they put it in a stainless steel box full of hot water (autoclave maybe?) wait for the timer to ding, then lay it over my face and head and put a hard plastic form over my face, clamp it on, then start pressing all over to get all the nooks and crannies of my face pushed in for the mold. Meanwhile, my eyes have been closed since just before the loose sheet of plastic went over my face and I’m deep breathing and trying to concentrate on counting backwards from 100. I forget track of my counting several times, but that’s ok, because it’s a diversion from having the plastic face form clamped on my head and the fact that the table is moving into the CT scanner.  It moved in and out multiple times, then 2 techs walk in and announce they are done. They unclamp the mask and I let out a huge exhale and gasp for air. They freak and ask what’s wrong. I tell them I’m claustrophobic and they ask why didn’t I say something. I say cuz I was told this was a planning meeting, you know, sitting around the computer screen and telling me the plan. Then they gasp and hold back a laugh and say no, this is what planning is and they apologized and told me how well I did getting through it. Then they ask this large woman, large STRONG woman and another woman to come in to lift me into a seated position on the table with my legs dangling off the side. It was 1-2-3 wooo and I’m dizzy cuz they lifted me so fast. I’m not kidding, I was dizzy and had to sit there a few minutes. Lying down to seated in 5 seconds! I was shaking a little as one of them walked me to my spouse and to the front doors.  My first treatment is Monday afternoon. I’m going to call and find out if I will be in the CT scanner because I cannot do that again. I still don’t know how I didn’t have a full blown panic attack. I dapped a ton of lavender essential oils all over my nostrils and under my nose. My sister-in-law, the super essential oils salesperson would tell me it was the lavender oil. But that wasn’t the only thing that saved me. 

They seriously pulled something in my lower back. I need to be sitting a a pool of ice. I am icing, but it’s never enough when the spouse and I are both using the ice packs and all the ice coming out of the fridge ice dispenser. I wanted to get up on my own off that table, I’ve done it myself almost 10 times this year with all the CT scans and MRI’s. I CAN do it, and I’ve never hurt like this when I got up on my own. Tomorrow I’m not going anywhere, I’m taking muscle relaxants, icing, sleeping, and praying.

For sale signs

Drummer Boy /Metallica Head’s run down inhabitable house is for sale. Whoever buys it will need to demolish it and build new. Yes, it’s that bad. Hoping that Camelot Homes snaps it up and builds new. They’ve done 2 houses on a empty land corner. One of them is complete, the other nearing completion. All brick homes. They recently demolished a condemned house 2 blocks down and have begun building a new house. So it’s not far fetched that Camelot Homes would buy Drummer Boy /Metallica Head’s place.

The frat boys who have been re-habbing the House next door (the old man’s house) finished last week. I could tell because they painted the front door red and spent a couple hours taking photos of the property. A For Sale sign went up the next day. We will miss the frat boys. They were pretty quiet for frat boys, still had parties, but never loud. They were always polite.

It will be a long time before we have a new neighbor across the street, but next door should be fairly quick. I hope they are friendly and not haters. Maybe I should put out the Pride Flag. Maybe weed out the haters and attract LGBT people or supporters. Just thought of that now. I’ll have to talk with my wife. LGBT or not, we’d love to have REAL neighbors. The kind I had growing up that actually talked to their neighbors, socialized, helped each other out. Do those kind of neighbors even exist anymore?

Lola’s Diner c2008-2018

Happy 4th of July...through the years

When I was a kid growing up in a southeast suburb of Milwaukee every 4th of July was the same. We had a tradition. Dad would drop us kids off at the high school where the parade was lining up. He and Mom would park at the VFW and Dad would help set up the free ice cream and soda for the kids walking in the parade. 

Each elementary school had a section, the high school marching band, the old timey fire trucks, tractors and convertibles with the Mayor and various beauty pageant winners. We walked in the parade every year for our elementary school. 

Did you notice the part where I typed that the kids walking in the parade got ice cream and soda? Yeah, you didn’t think we just did it for the tradition did you? There were orange push-ups for the little kids and the rest got ice cream cups with a wooden spoon. There was pop too. Orange Fanta, Rootbeer, and RED Fanta. I don’t know what that flavor was, but it was the sweetest soda on the planet. If you were lucky enough to score a Red Fanta you got the biggest sugar rush ever, if you ate part of the ice cream and then made yourself a lil Red Fanta float. Do they still sell Red Fanta? It’s not Strawberry, not cherry, not fruit punch, it’s just RED.

After the ice cream and soda there were the usual contests:  cutest baby, best decorated bike, and baseball games. At dusk there were fireworks. And of course the beer was flowing in the VFW hall. We always left after my Dad helped clean up after the ice cream and soda. We weren’t into watching the ball games or the contests. After I got my first car we’d go back later for the fireworks and meet up with our friends.

Living in Chicago when my kids were little we didn’t know of any 4th parades, so it was a good excuse to drive up for my hometown parade. We’d pack a picnic basket or bring the Hibatchi and hot dogs, spread a blanket on the grass on a prime viewing spot. High enough to see, but low enough so the kids could catch Bazooka gum thrown when the fire trucks passed by. 

Making the long drive every year and having to do all the packing and driving got too much with my long hours at the village. I found a parade near Chicago, in Skokie that we started to go to. They didn’t have the ice cream and soda, but they did have the Shriners in those tiny cars, and I got pretty adept at finding parking close.

Nowadays we really don’t do anything for the 4th. Our burb does do a parade. They close off a main street nearby. It’s drop off or walk. We will bbq. We’re having ribs (thank you Jewel and your buy 1 rack, get 2 Free!) I’m planning on making homemade potato salad in the Instant Pot. My daughter has to work...4pm-8pm. What a crummy shift! We’ll be driving home right about the time all the neighborhood shenanigans start. (Illegal fireworks.) I’m not a spoil sport, if you want to drive to Indiana, spend a paycheck or 2 on illegal fireworks and blow off a couple fingers, go for it. If you want to shoot them off everyday the week before, the week of, and for a month after, gah! Not a fan! I really am very glad to be in the burbs. When I lived in Chicago there would be gunshots all night. Here in the burbs we might get 1 hillbilly shoot off a rifle, but it’s not sounding like a war zone in Chicago.

I was so looking forward to chillin with some brewski’s, or Lime-a-Rita’s. Just relaxing. Hopefully I can get some chillin in before bedtime. Lol!

Enjoy the 4th! If you must diy your own spectacular fireworks display, be safe. If you can’t be safe...have good insurance. 

Lola's Diner ©2008-2017